Top Tips* If Your Baby Wakes up at 5am (*Not Really Tips)

Guest blog by Joel Defries

So it is, every morning you’re awoken by demonic screaming from your baby. You wearily check the clock and sigh. Of course: it’s 5am. Their piercing cry is like an annoying siren and you say to yourself, “I’m going to leave them, they need to learn. They WILL fall back to sleep”. But it gets louder … and louder. So you give in after thirty-seconds, and then begins the ‘cycle of doom’.

Being up at 5am makes your day feel like it has lasted a month. By the time the clock strikes 8am, your baby resembles a raver who has just returned from an illegal squat rave in the woods and hasn’t slept for four days. Despite your desperation to let them sleep, you want them to fight it so they can stop having this infuriating mid-morning nap. Lorraine hasn’t even started, you can’t f***ing sleep yet. Just wait. Just have one long lunchtime nap and then you’ll stop waking up at 5am. Everyone wins.

You go to the shop in the pram and they’re instantly asleep. Fine. Whatever. You’ll give them 10 minutes and then they’ll sleep for about two years at lunchtime.

They sleep for 40 minutes at lunchtime. God this is terrible.  Maybe they were overtired?? But how?? You’re delirious and feel the world is against you.

So, what should one do to escape the dreaded cycle of doom? There are various tricks you can try.

Option One
Make their bedroom into the child equivalent of a dark room. Think mid-century Pintrest vibe combined with Guantanamo Bay. Don’t let any light in. Soundproof it and turn on some white noise so loud that it sounds like the inside of a jet engine. This way, when they wake up they’ll think it’s still midnight and go straight back to sleep and wake up at 10am or something. (Of course I have tried this and my son still wakes up at 5am. When I go into his room I can’t see or hear a thing in there. It’s bloody terrifying. Poor thing must wake up and think he’s lost his sight.)

Option Two
Embrace it. Be those guys who wake up at 5am by choice. See it as a joy (laced with torture). Get a mindfulness app and sit there for hours doing baby/parent meditation. (If my son stays still for more than twenty seconds I am deeply panicked that something terrible has happened.)

Option Three
Get them hooked on TV. The moment they’re up just stick something on the TV. Love Island, Mad Men, Peter F***ing Rabbit or whatever does the job. Obviously not creepy Cbeebies shows; they are weird and too hyper. Just put something on you can both enjoy! I mean it’s 5am for God’s sake! One’s entitled to some small joys.

Option Four
Try taking them to a foreign country and get them into a time zone so polar opposite to the GMT clock, that upon their return they no longer have any concept of night or day. Yes, there are drawbacks with this – cost, temporary insanity and the fact that they may never grasp the concept of night and day again. They then grow up palid and sickly, make no friends, play World of Warcraft all day and are constantly on the Dark Web. But it’s a punt you may feel is worth taking.

Please let me know if any of the above work for you. I have been up since 5am so I am not even sure any of this makes sense.

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